Is there anything holding you back? Indeed, have you ever asked yourself this question or even contemplated it?
I have known for as long as I can remember that I am competitive; it's in my genes! My mother is one of five and has four brothers. My father is the middle child of three with a younger brother; I know how competitive they both were! When playing any type of game with a non family member we used to have to tell them the 'Stephen' rules; I'm sure that my father changed the rules of every game so that he had a chance of winning! He would obviously deny this but there would be that cheeky grin and glint in his eye. . .
So, where am I going with this? For the last six weeks or so I have been going backwards. This is in relation to my overall health and well-being. I know exactly where I have been going wrong and I now exactly what to do to put it right but still I wasn't doing it. This is because I had no idea why I was. I went to my WeightWatchers meeting on Thursday night and, if I am honest, I was looking for some inspiration. For those who are new to this blog I was, until this time last year, a WeightWatchers leader. Therefore, I should know near enough everything that there is to know but here comes the bit about learning something new every day. Several things were said during the meeting. The journey that I take to the meeting is approximately thirty minutes. I, therefore, had my thirty minute drive home to contemplate the why? question. I am someone who reflects and wants to learn from things that I do and the answer that I found was not necessarily the easiest one.
I have said that I am competitive. I think that this is not a bad character trait but there are weaknesses to being competitive and how you use it. Some people who are competitive will want to win at all costs; to be the best and maybe to succeed at everything they do, maybe not caring for who gets in their way. I am most definitely not this type of person but I have identified that my competitive streak has been causing me some problems of late. I was a little bit taken aback but have since realised that I have seen this in at least one of my sons, so why am I surprised?!
So, I'll go back to my original question; Is there anything holding you back? I was so nearly where I wanted to be with both my weight and fitness so what has been holding me back? Since doing the Moonwalk, and maybe not realising or dealing with the psychological impact that this would have on me, I have been sabotaging. I have known that I was doing it but as I have said I didn't know why. The answer is my competitiveness. Due to eating really poorly, and some other life changes, I have not been able to do some of the things that were coming very naturally to me; complete a Kettlercise class with an 8kg kettlebell, walk at the pace that I was before the Moonwalk. Now this is almost definitely down to the crap that I have been putting in my body but the impact that being competitive has had on me has been a difficult one to come to terms with. As I have got weaker I have not been able to compete with the girls that I go to Kettlercise with or the friend that I walk with. The way my brain has been working is to shut down; to say if you can't be the best then don't compete at all!
This is what has been holding me back for the last six weeks! Now I have worked that out how do I go about changing my mental attitude? For me that is to take time for myself. Although some would describe me as the life and soul of the party I actually like solitude and my own company. I need to build my own self-confidence back up; believe in myself again and stop comparing myself to others.
I have decided that for a while I will be walking on my own. I can sort my world out in my head by giving myself a good talking to; something that I don't do when I walk with my friend. She thinks that she's upset my apple cart but the reality is far from it. I have had to come face to face with something that has probably been happening for a great number of years but I didn't know it. Now I do I can manage it.
My mantra; everything happens for a reason, good or bad. At 47 I have learnt a life lesson that I probably should have learnt over 35 years ago but maybe then and before now I wasn't ready or equipped to handle it.
As an added note, whilst sitting writing this blog, my Facebook memories pinged on my phone. On this day last year I shared this picture. Now, I totally understand it and will keep reminding myself!
To my walking friend, it won't be long before I am staring at your bum again!!
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